The Daily Bork

May 26, 2005

Can you handle the truth?

Want to know the truth in the Star Wars universe, what Lucas is keeping from you? The Rottweiler has a two part special detailing the cover-up being perpetrated, the tissue of lies and deceit being peddled as the truth. Through thoughtful and rational analysis of the six movies they show you what really happened.

Yes, these damnable Jedi were guardians of the Old Republic, and the Old Republic was a backwards cesspit of crime, corruption, kickbacks, and simmering grievances, and had been for thousands of years. The Jedi maintained the status quo, and maintained their position at the apex of the pyramid by decapitating all rivals, and that's just one of their many sins. They were more than just the guardians; they were the locus of the rot that was the Republic. They were insular, guarded, and reactionary; always digging up obscure thousand-year-old precedents and legends like some sweat stained Wahabist scholar. They were the force that kept the Republic from evolving. They were the enforcers of continued dysfunction, the self-styled protectors of virtue and preventers of vice. They were the rotting fish in the marketplace of ideas.

They'd so divorced themselves from real feelings, from rage, from lust, from joy, from love, that they no longer understood what made people tick. All they had were ancient screeds blasting forth about how people should tick, how things should work, the revealed "truth". They were like post-collapse communists running back to Marx for insight on software prices, or Imams searching the Koran for advice on JDAMs. If it walks like a dumbass, squawks like a dumbass, and talks like a dumbass, it's a Jedi. Lucas could've given them poofy turbans to go with their robes, but I guess it would've hit too uncomfortably close to the truth.

It only gets better, with analyses of the major players.


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